Tommorrow never came and the pain is unimaginable 

At 2:55pm On May 11,2015 both of our lives ended!!!!

My everything was my children my every aspect of me being a mother was surrounded by them they are my.

Earth, Moon, Sun

It was all about them now I still am alive if that’s what you would call it and the moon can still be seen in the sky. My sun is gone though a light has gone out and it will never return just like the twinkle of happiness within my eyes. 

Now I either have okay days or bad ones, if I wake up crying I go back to sleep and try to attempt the day all over again.  If I attempt to get up and the overwhelming sadness consumes me I just stay to myself in my room and sleep as much as I can, why because in my dreams he is there and it all is perfect when I wake that is when I am living a nightmare. 

If I do manage the okay days it’s followed by a routine the same thing everyday like clock work a robot all day until it is time to go to bed, a break in the routine usually means chaos and that is something I can not handle. So yet again I seclude myself from everything and everyone because it is easier. 

My temper is shorter than what it used to be, where as I used to could tolerate things now I can’t I keep everyone at a distant because I do not know when I am going to be faced with this word called Death someone else here today gone tommorow. 

I rarely visit my hometown anymore because walking through the streets of Reading PA, seeing everyone wishing my son would just bounce through that door with that smile a yo   Mom I was gone like I never left. 

I hear a lot that I am so strong the reality is I hide it very well, I cry when I am all alone I curl up clinching my sons sweater wishing that it was him again here just to make me laugh anything just anything other than this. 

Now my fight is within me, I fight so that when Marquette returns from work he does not find me gone, I fight so that Shai does not have to here the blast from a gun knowing I pulled the trigger , I fight because they just lost a brother so I can’t put that burden on them. 

I don’t need a anniversary to be in pain because I live with it everyday, I don’t need Mother’s Day because I watched my sons slowly slip away from this earth. 

I do not need tommorrow I need yesterday when life was not what it is now. 

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