First I will begin by saying if it was not for my faith and the people who have been placed in my life,
I would not be here today to share my story !!!!!!
I have never blamed God for anything that has happened throughout my life I know somewhere down this line called life there is a bigger plan. I do however look and respond to things a whole lot differently then I used to. How are you doing, or How are you holding up well lets see even where I do not place blame I often ask why.
WHY WAS I EVEN BORN IN THE FIRST PLACE IF LIFE WAS GOING TO BE FILLED WITH THIS MUCH PAIN?
It will be a year in a couple of days, and I am no further in the acceptance phase that my son is no longer here than I was the day the doctors pronounced him dead. I have considered ending my life on numerous occasions more than even I can count. And yes when medical profession ask the question do you want to hurt yourself, I say yes I do to stop the pain that I feel in my heart of having a child die what parent has not had that thought, the difference with me is that I am a Christian and suicide is an unforgivable sin and since no one has survived to tell their story about taking their own life and what really happens after you pull the trigger ? So if I embark on that road I will never reunite with my son and I am not willing to risk that.
My doctor looked at me and she said well Ms Mack you are as sane as they come, but I am severely depressed, anxiety attacks, PTSD….. I am on medication which I did not want to be , but without them i wouldn’t be close to what I am today still a half of step away from a nervous breakdown but sane enough to fight through another day.
When I am asleep the real world is a nightmare and my dreams are reality where everything is okay and I can be with my son like he never left.