The Biggest Mistake I Made….. 


My advice to anyone experiencing the loss of a child is to not handle it all alone.For me it seemed like the right thing to do months ago I could not see the purpose of speaking to someone that just didn’t know me or my son from a can of paint. 

I spend a lot of time alone I crochet, read books , try to keep myself focused with my school work, or when all else fails I go to sleep where everything is easier to deal with. I rarely talk to anyone because I don’t want to be a bother everyone has there lives and things that they have to take care of so to get someone to spare five mins to hear me crying or just to talk to I rather just hold everything in and when I feel that I can not , I do cry but no one hears me and no one hardly ever sees. 

All my life I have been very good at keeping everyone at a distance so it doesn’t hurt so bad if something goes wrong. Now faced with the worst pain a mother will ever endure while breath is still in her body I am lost in an abyss of hurt, depression, and pain in how to deal with all this. 

Happy moments for me are far and few 

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What will never be ……


As life continues on I carry the emptiness of what will never be it is overwhelming !

I woke up crying because I heard Dj say yo mom, and I remember how hard it was to always get them up for school. 

As I see the happy pictures of prom and graduation as another school year come to a end . The what will never again is to much to handle, just as much as the life that was taken in the blink of a eye. 

I surpress my emotions and hide them until I explode and one day I may just snap and never return to this nightmare of life for every morning I open my eyes it’s another battle to make it through another day without my son who said yo mom I will be right back and a mother who waits for what will never happen again.


Who I am

I am an Angel mom of a 17  yr old and my blog is like a glimpse into my journey with this loss of life I have been thrown into and definitely not by choice. I have already posted a few blogs with pictures attached to them, my writing is not perfect at all and they were written at a time when I needed to release some of my feelings. Everyone tells me how strong I am and I am hoping to help if not just one person to see, even though I still do not see a light at the end of this tunnel there are ways of getting through the day by day activities.

 

Tommorrow never came and the pain is unimaginable 

At 2:55pm On May 11,2015 both of our lives ended!!!!

My everything was my children my every aspect of me being a mother was surrounded by them they are my.

Earth, Moon, Sun

It was all about them now I still am alive if that’s what you would call it and the moon can still be seen in the sky. My sun is gone though a light has gone out and it will never return just like the twinkle of happiness within my eyes. 

Now I either have okay days or bad ones, if I wake up crying I go back to sleep and try to attempt the day all over again.  If I attempt to get up and the overwhelming sadness consumes me I just stay to myself in my room and sleep as much as I can, why because in my dreams he is there and it all is perfect when I wake that is when I am living a nightmare. 

If I do manage the okay days it’s followed by a routine the same thing everyday like clock work a robot all day until it is time to go to bed, a break in the routine usually means chaos and that is something I can not handle. So yet again I seclude myself from everything and everyone because it is easier. 

My temper is shorter than what it used to be, where as I used to could tolerate things now I can’t I keep everyone at a distant because I do not know when I am going to be faced with this word called Death someone else here today gone tommorow. 

I rarely visit my hometown anymore because walking through the streets of Reading PA, seeing everyone wishing my son would just bounce through that door with that smile a yo   Mom I was gone like I never left. 

I hear a lot that I am so strong the reality is I hide it very well, I cry when I am all alone I curl up clinching my sons sweater wishing that it was him again here just to make me laugh anything just anything other than this. 

Now my fight is within me, I fight so that when Marquette returns from work he does not find me gone, I fight so that Shai does not have to here the blast from a gun knowing I pulled the trigger , I fight because they just lost a brother so I can’t put that burden on them. 

I don’t need a anniversary to be in pain because I live with it everyday, I don’t need Mother’s Day because I watched my sons slowly slip away from this earth. 

I do not need tommorrow I need yesterday when life was not what it is now. 

My Happily Never After

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First I will begin by saying if it was not for my faith and the people who have been placed in my life,

I would not be here today to share my story !!!!!!

I have never blamed God for anything that has happened throughout my life I know somewhere down this line called life there is a bigger plan. I do however look and respond to things a whole lot differently then I used to. How are you doing, or How are you holding up well lets see even where I do not place blame I often ask why. 

WHY WAS I EVEN BORN IN THE FIRST PLACE IF LIFE WAS GOING TO BE FILLED WITH THIS MUCH PAIN?

It will be a year in a couple of days, and I am no further in the acceptance phase that my son is no longer here than I was the day the doctors pronounced him dead. I have considered ending my life on numerous occasions more than even I can count. And yes when medical profession ask the question do you want to hurt yourself, I say yes I do to stop the pain that I feel in my heart of having a child die what parent has not had that thought, the difference with me is that I am a Christian and suicide is an unforgivable sin and since no one has survived to tell their story about taking their own life and what really happens after you pull the trigger ? So if I embark on that road I will never reunite with my son and I am not willing to risk that.

My doctor looked at me and she said well Ms Mack you are as sane as they come, but I am severely depressed, anxiety attacks, PTSD….. I am on medication which I did not want to be , but without them i wouldn’t be close to what I am today still a half of step away from a nervous breakdown but sane enough to fight through another day.

When I am asleep the real world is a nightmare and my dreams are reality where everything is okay and I can be with my son like he never left.

 

 

 

 

 

Mother and Son a bond forever broken

I started this because maybe it can help someone else that has lost a child somewhere for me to let people read the pain the hurt the emotional roller coaster I will be on as long as there is breath in me. 

I no longer live for tommorow because I struggle just to get through today and I am only here because of my faith in the man up above that one day I will see my son again